My Heart
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beautiful mom


my beloved babe

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My Dear Friends;

Jan 12th 2000

As most of you know, we are in the midst of a very severe flu outbreak. And while neither myself, nor my husband has fallen victim to it yet, it has, unfortunately, hit the nursing home my mom is in.

So far, she is doing "ok". She hasn't shown any of the symptoms yet and the nursing home is trying their best to keep it that way. However, many many of the residents are seriously ill and my thoughts and prayers are with these dear folks who I look upon as family.

At the moment, my mom is being treated with something called fluadine, (or similar to that, anyway). This is a preventive drug that they hope will keep the healthy residents from coming down with it. However, even using this drug, there is no guarantee that mom won't develop it. So I guess what I'm trying to say is that, for the time being, we are in a wait and see situation.

Of course other steps are being taken to control the situation. The nursing home is now in lockdown in the hopes that it will prevent more people from getting sick. I don't think it's so much they are trying to protect the residents, as it is that they are trying to protect us as well.

Anyhow, as you might have guessed, this has me really concerned. Mom is so frail now, I know her immune system is next to nothing. On top of all this, she also has developed a pressure sore on her tailbone. Not because of ill care, but simply because her skin is now tissue paper thin and the slightest handling causes tears.

So...there you have it. As I said in the update page, for the time being, the websites are again going to have to take a backseat. I do, however, promise to let you know how things come out with mom and the flu I'll be back when I have more news.....

As for MY THOUGHTS, I think what surprises me most about all this, is the tug-of-war that is going on inside of me. Half of me says....well if she develops the flu and succumbs, that's "ok" because moms quality of life is non existent. Yet, the other half of me prays that she'll come through unscathed. See what I mean? My thoughts keep going round and round.

I know, that given the choice my mom would not want to live as she is now. And I also know there is little left for any of us to do except make her comfortable, which is what is being done. So I think, the worst part of all of this, is the waiting...and that in itself seems like it's been an eternity.

You see, I have come to realize that over these last few months, I have been beating myself up over something I can't change. Everything humanly possible has been and is being done for mom. And the only one who couldn't see that is me. Me...who turned the worry inward. ME...who kept fighting even when there were no options left. So, it's time for me to let go.

No, I'm not saying I am walking away from my mom. That would never happen in a million years. But what I am saying, is that, I am going to refocus and that's the key. REFOCUS.

I am well aware that mom may pass away while I am on vacation down in Mexico next month. But that will be ok. I have come to the realization that, no matter how much we want something, we sometimes aren't given it. So, if mom chooses to leave me while I'm unreachable, then that's the way it was meant to be. Do I hope she's still here when I get back? YES. But this plan God has, has never been something I can control, so only he can decide the when....

Anyway, that's what I mean about re-focusing. I'm not going to spend my vacation worrying that mom has passed away. I'm going to give myself a chance to heal from the soul out, and whatever happens, happens. You see, a very wise friend of mine said to me..."Tay what would Babe say if she could see you this sick, and know it was caused by the worry you have for her". I didn't even have to think of a response because I knew, "she would kick my butt", and she would.

So you see, what I am trying to say, is that, I have released the guilt. I am moms caregiver day in and day out. And I know that on any given day when I am downtown shopping, or out at the grocery store, mom could pass away. Would I eat myself up with guilt because I wasn't home? No, I wouldn't. So why would I feel guilt if I took a vacation because the on-going stress has made me sick. See what I mean? There is no difference in the aspect, just the amount of time. And after 13 years...time seems inconsequential at this late date.

So, there you have it....I'll keep everyone posted as I hear news from the nursing home. But for what it's worth, this 'connection' I have with mom, tells me she's going to be all right...

Click to go to Feb. update

In the mean time....I hold you close to my heart...


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