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It's hard to believe mom's been gone two months now. Amazing! How could it be that long ago when it seems like only yesterday? Two months of not seeing her face...of not touching her hand or stroking her hair.
Of course, there's some days that are better than others. Days when I see something of her's and smile. But...then there's days like this. Days when everytime I turn around I see a calendar and it reminds me of what day it is. The 25th...our two month anniversary.
61 days ago I left her grave and walked away alone. 61 days of stumbles, dusting off's, and new paths walked. It's been strange learning to live without her...but not odd strange, comforting strange.
Does that make any sense? I wonder?
How is it possible that she knows I faulter on these days and comes to me? How does she know when my thoughts turn poignant, to fill my head with memories of better times? How can a mothers love span the realm of death and comfort her daughter when she can't keep the loneliness at bay? And yet that's exactly what's been happening. Every month on this day there she is.
It's seems funny really, when I think about it. I guess I spent so many years being her caregiver it never occured to me she was just waiting for her chance to be mine. And yet she is.
But, I guess my question today is....will I feel her nearness as strongly tomorrow? I certainly hope so because tomorrow is gonna be tough.
Why, you ask?
Well, you see, every three months the nursing home mom was in, holds a memorial service for those who have passed away...and tomorrow is that day.
Do I want to go and re-live it all over again? No...I really don't. It's going to bring back all those memories of her last week...all the ghosts from past events...all the time's I'd rush down the hall looking for that special face that belonged to me.
Yes, I want to go and see my friends again. I want to visit my buddies who work so hard extending the care and love they give so freely. But, I don't want the wound to be re-opened again...and it will be. So, now you know why I wonder if she'll go with me tomorrow...
Knowing her as I do, I am certain that she will. I just don't know when I'll feel her there. Will it be when I get in the car for the 20 minute trip? Or will she be waiting for me as I walk in the door after so many months? I guess time will tell huh?
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