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I suppose you're wondering why I've waited so long to write in here. Well, it's because I've been trying my darndest not to think about this month. Now mind you, it's not that I have anything against September. In fact, if truth be known, it has a lot going for it.
To me, September has always been like the 'changing of the guards', so to speak. The days become shorter, the leaves burst into vibrant colors and the air takes on a crispness.
But, as I said, no matter how beautiful or colorful it may be...for me, there will only be one day this month...September 25th, mom's birthday.
The funny thing is, I knew this day would eventually get here. That as each of the summer months passed by, I would inch closer and closer to the 'first' of many "firsts". But, when September finally arrived, I decided I would simply "skip it". That I wouldn't look back on all the other Septembers when birthdays and shopping spree's highlighted the month. I'd ignore it and thus ignore the pain of not having her here. But it doesn't work that way....
Every day this month, I've felt as if the calendar has been shouting at me. Sept. 1, then the 5th, the 10th and so on and so on...reminding me, always reminding me that the 25th was creeping closer and soon her day would get here. Now, here it is, the 20th. Five more days until I'll get in the car to spend some precious time with her. Five more days before I head east to the cemetery, instead of going west to the nursing home....
I can only imagine what the 25th will be like for me. At the very least I know it will be a struggle. But, isn't that what "firsts" are all about? Yes, right now, this first "first" seems like an enormous hurdle. And yes, as her birthday get's closer I find myself wondering if I have it in me to climb over it. But I will, nevertheless, because that's just a part of grief...another part of letting go, of finding the same kind of peace mom has.
Yes, the 25th will be hard. Another day when the sun rises and she's not here with me. But, I know, sure as I'm sitting here writing this, that no matter how painful that day will be, how many memories of "yesterdays" come flooding back, there will be an angel who will dry my tears ...the same angel that comes flying to my side... when ever my mind whispers..."mom".
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