I did something today that I am not proud of. I know that you will never understand this but....I have to tell you I am sorry. Many years ago you gave birth to me. You cared for me and loved me and protected me while teaching me the greatest gift of life, LOVE. You gave up part of your life for me so that you could do all of these things. I don't know if I ever really told you how grateful I was to you for all of this....and now it is too late.
I can tell you but I don't know if you would really understand me. I remember after your grandsons came along, one day when I was having a tough day, I called you and told you how sorry I was if I had ever given you a hard time while I was growing up. Only then did I truly appreciate what motherhood was all about.
Years went by and I spent much of my time raising my own family. Doing many of the same things you had done for me. I gave up my career to stay home with my children and give them the same love that you had given me. I was there for you when you had two heart surgeries and when you lost your love, my father. And you were there when I needed you for any reason.
The years went by so fast and you found a companion. I was happy for you....now you had someone to love you and care for you again. But I also remember being annoyed with you at times....we rarely spent time together anymore. You never seemed to want to leave him. I didn't realize what was going on. Now I know it was all part of this dreaded disease. I knew you were forgetting things but I never realized how bad it was.
14 months ago I brought you home to live with us. I knew I could make you happy and care for you until the end. I didn't know then how very hard it would be. I had no idea of the emotional ride we would all be on. Every constant moment was spent caring for you and yes, at times, I complained. I really wanted to do this for you until the end. I wanted you to feel loved and to care for you the best I could.
Today I took you to a nursing home and left you. I turned away from you and just walked out. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. Everyone told me I had to give you to others to care for you. I needed to have a life and to be able to care for my family. But does that make sense? You are my family and are in the greatest need of care and love right now. My husband knows I love him and my kids are grown and fully understand that I love them. They are able to care for themselves and make decisions on their own. They don't need my constant attention anymore. I guess my friends are worried about my health and therefore encouraged me to do this. Maybe I am not as strong as I thought. I guess I really did need help. Maybe you will be happier there. I can only pray that you are. I pray that somehow you know that I do love you with all my heart. I pray that you will feel the love of all that tend to you. And I pray that all who tend you know that you are a mother, a sister, a daughter, a person who still has needs and feelings. That they treat you with only kindness and patience and love! I am sitting in your room wondering what you are feeling right now. I am sure you are more confused than ever and afraid. You may not have remembered me but I was a familiar face in a sea of confusion. I pray you quickly find a kind face who you can trust for your care and who will give you love where you are.
I am so sorry it came to this, that I was not a stronger person. Please dear God I pray that he will let you see that you are loved and will never be alone!
All my love,
Your daughter, Brenda
Written by Brenda Race December 27th 1999