Every year
on my birthday, from the time I turned 12, one white gardenia was delivered
anonymously to me at my house. There was never a card or note, and calls
to the florist were in vain, because the purchase was always made in cash.
After a while, I stopped trying to discover the identity of the sender.
I just delighted in the beauty and heady perfume of that one magical, perfect
white flower nestled in folds of soft pink tissue paper. But I never stopped
imagining who the sender might be. Some of my happiest moments were spent
in day dreams about someone wonderful and exciting, but too shy or eccentric
to make known his or her identity. In my teen years, it was fun to speculate
that the sender might be a boy I had a crush on, or even someone I didn't
know who had noticed me.
My mother often contributed to my speculations.
She'd ask me if there was someone for whom I had done a special kindness,
who might be showing appreciation anonymously. She reminded me of the times
when I'd been riding my bike and our neighbor drove up with her car full
of groceries and children. I always helped her unload the car and made
sure the children didn't run into the road. Or maybe the mystery sender
was the old man across the street. I often retrieved his mail during the
winter, so he wouldn't have to venture down his icy steps.
My mother did her best to foster my imagination about the gardenia. She
wanted her children to be creative. She also wanted us to feel cherished
and loved, not just by her, but by the world at large.
When I was 17, a boy broke my heart. The night he called for the last time,
I cried myself to sleep. When I awoke in the morning, there was a message
scribbled on my mirror in red lipstick: "Heartily know, when half-gods
go, the gods arrive." I thought about that quotation from Emerson
for a long time, and I left it where my mother had written it until my
heart healed. When I finally went for the glass cleaner, my mother knew
that everything was all right again.
But there were some hurts my mother couldn't heal. A month before my high
school graduation, my father died suddenly of a heart attack. My feelings
ranged from simple grief to abandonment, fear, distrust and overwhelming
anger that my dad was missing some of the most important events in my life.
I became completely uninterested in my upcoming graduation, the senior-class
play and the prom - events that I had worked on and looked forward to.
I even considered staying home to attend college instead of going away
as I had planned because it felt safer.
My mother, in the midst of her own grief, wouldn't hear of me missing out
on any of these things. The day before my father died, she and I had gone
shopping for a prom dress and had found a spectacular one -- yards and
yards of dotted Swiss in red, white and blue. Wearing it made me feel like
Scarlett O'Hara. But it was the wrong size, and when my father died the
next day, I forgot all about the dress.
My mother didn't. The day before the prom, I found the dress waiting for
me -- in the right size. It was draped majestically over the living room
sofa, presented to me artistically and lovingly. I may not have cared about
having a new dress, but my mother did.
She cared how we children felt about ourselves. She imbued us with a sense
of the magic in the world, and she gave us the ability to see beauty even
in the face of adversity.
In truth, my mother wanted her children to see themselves much like the
gardenia -- lovely, strong, perfect, with an aura of magic and perhaps
a bit of mystery.
My mother died when I was 22, only 10 days after I was married.
That was the year the gardenias stopped coming.
Author
Unknown
Sent to me by Cally