Message 2/52 From Doris Clack . . . April 10, 94 09:51:13 am -0400

Date: Sun, 10 April 1994 09:51:13 -0400 (EDT)
Subject: Re: summer semester
To: Brenda Parris


I am a mother and I am greatly moved by your dedication to your mother. It is a tribute to the good rearing she provided you when she did and while she could.

Now, you really do have a decision to make; however, good decisions are best made with the head, tempered by the heart rather than in reverse. You did not ask me but I would be out of character if I did not give some unsolicited advice. I am from a big family and am accustomed to doing this. I am also accustomed to having people go off and do whatever they wish. I have no feelings whatsoever about what happens to what I say because I know I always say it without all the necessary information but sincerely, nevertheless.

Whether to put your mother in a nursing home is dependent upon several factors:

Is there an excellent nursing home available
Do you have the resources to do it
Will you be considering doing so because your mother will get better care than the family can give her

Whether to keep your mother at home is also dependent upon several factors:

Will you be able to hire/get someone fulltime to assist the family member/care giver (to consider doing it all is unrealistic)

Will your life have to be put on hold during the time that caregiving is being provided at home (No mother in her right, unselfish mind wishes less than the best for their children even if they have to sacrifice to make it happen)

Will you loose control over your life's goals.

There is a difference between loosing control and reducing the speed of achievement.

Is your decision based on guilt.

Is your decison going to make you feel good about EVERYTHING i.e. you have no regrets about giving up your life goals, moving, devoting everything to caregiving.

These are just some of the things that you have probably already thought of.

I am concerned because I have just gone through a similar situation with my husband and his mother. She died last week. They did absolutely everything a family could do for her without putting her in a home. They are very glad that they were able to do what they did. They got around the clock help for her physical care while they did everything else. They were able to go on with their lives without their having to be there 24 hours each day.

May God help you make the right decision and I will see you whenever you wish. Just give me a call.


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